I spend a great deal of time alone - and I suppose this has led to more than average (whatever average might be)
forays into self examination. These lead to finding and then poking
about in ones (mine own) faults and foibles. One of my odder tendencies
is to avoid seeking out many of the things that move me and that I
love. This would appear to be a contradiction - and it is. So why?
Here's the deal - or parts of it, I think.
I fear loss of control.
I fear my own reactions.
I'm afraid of feeling too much, being overwhelmed - and then frozen into a rather catatonic state of mind.
In
the case of viewing others artwork, I sometimes fear being influenced
(another sort of loss of control) or by becoming impotent/immobilized by
the enormity of creating work that is relevant and relative.
I'm
not saying I cannot overcome these tendencies. Otherwise I'd probably
hole up and cut myself off from all media and communication and just
make stuff in a vacuum - or never make anything more. And every time
something or someone really moves me, I'm happier and grateful for the
experience.
What moves me? Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah.
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